Chicken Soup For Assholes

Handy little aphorisms that you should live your life by.

Once you tattoo your face, you lose your right to not be judged based on your appearance.

There’s no steering wheel on a train.

The difference between fiction and lying:
Lying is what you do to get out of a ticket. Fiction is the tangled web of deceit you create in order to get laid.

You can’t fake that kind of insincerity.

If you ignore most problems they will go away.
The two best examples of this are pregnancy and a burning house.

You don’t have to answer the phone.
If you let it ring long enough it will stop on its own.

Aluminum foil is shiny, but it has limited Origami potential.

If you can’t kick a man when he’s down, when can you kick him?

You’re nuts. The guy next to you is a nut.
The guy over you is a dick, and the guy under you is an asshole.

Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes the reason is irony.

Opinions are like blogs.
Everybody has one and no one cares about yours.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Give him a keyboard and he’ll blog about mercury poisoning for the rest of his life.

You can lead a horse to water but you don’t want to drink after him.

Nobody falls on the ice without someone seeing them.

There’s no I in team, but there is one in BITCH.

If an atheist is superstitious, does that make him a hypocrite?

Honesty is usually mistaken for rudeness; that’s why I use it.

When you reach the point where you decide what you really want to do, is it clarity and focus or futility and resignation?

You never realize how much you really want a bagel, until you burn one, and it was the last one.

Oh, What a tangled Web we browse, When first we practice to …Arouse?
-William Shakespeare

If you decide to chase a bear, you’ll catch it much sooner than you think.

You can only date a stripper until you run out of money.
Everyone is surprised when this happens.

The only weather that can be accurately predicted with consistency is yesterdays.
There is a fine line between being a hopeless romantic and a sexual predator.

God has a sense of humor. But he is very tired of *your* shit.

One of the problems with Anarchy is that it doesn’t pay very well.

Much of life is horrifically redundant and inconsequential. Remember that the next time someone asks, “How’s it going?”

To me, the universe is subjective.

Nobody smuggles pot *into* Mexico.

Unless it involves actual intercourse, sexual harassment is rarely worth the trouble.

Don’t piss off the pizza guy. He knows where you live.

Life is seriously dangerous. You should wear a helmet at all times.

If your name doesn’t show up on a Google search, it’s probably a good thing.

When you approach a four-way intersection, be prepared to make a decision.

Passive-aggressive is not a valid lifestyle choice.

Don’t Sleep Your Way Backstage to a Show That Only Cost 5 Bucks
-Sean Quallen

There is nothing wrong with you that years of expensive therapy can’t prolong.
-Scott Maple

Free t-shirts never fit
-Rich Potter

Opportunites for blackmail are pretty rare, so take it if you get it.

The gifts that keep on giving: self-pity and a sense of martyrdom.

Nothing is impossible if you’re oblivious.

Perception is in the eye of the beholder.

The best porn is made in trailer parks. This is an observation, not career advice.

If your glass is half empty, add ice.

Guilt will only work on people with a conscience.

If the World is flat as some believe and the Moon is hollow as many maintain, then they are unique in the universe as a giant ping pong ball and paddle.  That might explain why the place is so popular with aliens.  It’s a tourist attraction, akin to our “World’s largest ball of twine.”

A smile, like syphilis, is contageous.

Your dearest dream is coming true…but you won’t like it.

If you are going to bullshit, bring a shovel.

If you want me to predict the future, let me shake your head like a magic 8 ball.

Draw blood and they’ll leave your drink alone.

There is a difference between being right and being correct.

You will remain unknown. This is for the best.

A fool and his hard drive are soon partitioned.

You make me feel all warm and fuzzy, like belly button lint.

You’re not going to be a cowboy when you grow up. Trust me.

All the world’s a stage. And you are blocking my view.

Dont wear socks with sandals, freak.

Stop looking for solutions to your life’s problems or validation for your abnormal behavior in fortune cookies.

You are gifted in many ways, but nothing useful.

Look behind you.

Everybody Knows Your Dirty Little Secret.

Happiness is a Clean Break.